Hello, and welcome to this July 12th installment of my weekly newsletter. As we all must be noticing on our regular trips to the local gym, there is a new fad going around. No, it's not balanced eating. And no, it's not "Nike Air VaporMax 360"s. And again no, it's not Seinfeld season four, episode seven. The fad in question is actually a combination of two fads-of-yesterday which have fallen from their central role in Vogue Magazine, through Teen Vogue, and will now start finding their way into Time Magazine (as pressing issues, no doubt). If you haven't guessed them already, the fads at hand are apple cider vinegar, and foam rollers. First, some context: 1a. Apple Cider Vinegar This tasty treat is coming to the fore, after years of unjust and debatably legal suppression by competitors. Even though big-balsamic and big-red-wine continue to run their notorious smear campaigns (an example is featured below, for reference), consumer opinion is changing. This monumental shift is led by hipsters, of course, but not the hipsters we're all familiar with. These hipsters' waistbands aren't preposterously high, nor do their always-pantalooned wardrobe decisions remain unchanged regardless of hot temperatures. These hipsters aren't found at the counter of a craft brewery whose beer is pre-digested by elephants, nor are they participating in 30-day-juice-cleanses.
Unfortunately, the defining characteristics of an apple cider based hipster are more subtle. If you're lucky, you may hear them ask "Is your apple cider vinegar fair trade?", or possibly "Do you carry any aged, single-malt apple cider vinegars?". They can sometimes be identified on a hot summer's day by a vinegar bottle in hand as they exercise (be watchful for urine-colored liquids). If you're still feeling uncertain, please refer to this list of identification tips: 1b. For trees: a. first identify whether the tree bears flat leaves or long needles 2b. For birds: a. first, learn to identify what general group a bird belongs to, using shape, color, and behavior 3b. For photo ID a. first, remember this easy-to-remember acronym: OHSER (Outfit, Hair, Smile, Eyes, Relax) b. second, refer to the acronym 2a. Foam Rollers The second fad in question, foam rollers, are notoriously common in the homes of the physically aware. These ingenious devices have been used willy-nilly despite their ongoing legal battle in a fight for unionization. Their desire for labor rights, rights which are codified in national and international labor and employment law, has been unjustly delayed for years by the courts. Thankfully, when Bob Dylan released his most recent album "Daybrake", a duo project featuring himself (on tambourine) and a foam roller, international support has been growing. As Rolling Stone Magazine accurately put it, the album was "Great". Now back to the topic at hand, the new fad. Again, as we've all been noticing, there's a new fad going around at our local gyms. This new fad is a combination of fads 1a and 2a. And because there isn't a cool, crisp new name for it, let's call it what it is: rolling out tight muscles using rotten apples. I don't really have much to say about this new fad, other than "we've all been noticing it at our local gyms". Thanks for reading. I'd like to end this post with a quote: "We've all been noticing a new fad going around our local gyms"
1 Comment
Huge Harold
9/7/2020 07:11:00 pm
Hi Harrison,
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